i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
