you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
