My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
