If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Randomize
