I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
