he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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