i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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