I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Less talking, more tequila
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
