you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
