I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
