you guys were way drunker than both of me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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