Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
