Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
pop tarts are not kleenex
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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