I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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