I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
