I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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