Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I AM VODKA MAN
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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