Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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