Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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