dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
