I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
