remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
