Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
