Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
