I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
