Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
