Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
