Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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