I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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