Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
there is glitter all over my balls
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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