I wish you could order shots online.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
