NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
