my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
