Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
