and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
