for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
