Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
