this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
