my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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