I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
