Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
