The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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