No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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