There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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