i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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