i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sext me about skeletons
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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