i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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