Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
