it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
