You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
