Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
